Undivided Divisions

I just woke up about an hour ago. Yes, in afternoon... So I crawl out of bed, come to the computer. (Yes, I'm very aware that I shouldn't be.) I check email then go to my favorite news website. AND, get hit by headlines of disaster after disaster. Sometimes, I really hate reading the news.

A bomb blew up somewhere, people died. Soldiers opened fire on civilians, people died. Every word I read leads me to draw the same conclusions.... People died.

Now, don't think this is some naive post that laments on how cruel the world is and why must people die. People die. It's only a matter sooner or later.

What this post is about is simply this. I read all the headlines and the only thoughts that go through my head are "I'm hungry. What should I eat later? How am I gonna complete this multimedia project? Why did I put so many layers in this flash file?" Well, that and a few others, anyway. Basically, I'm saying that I'm completely desensitized. In another place, at the very same time, someone is hurting over the loss of a love one of their livelihood. The lucky ones die as a family. If you can get into the mind of a survivor, you will know that the burden and guilt of a survivor is something no one should have to bear. Yet, they will.

I know all that. In my head, I know. But I don't feel for anyone. is it due to the overload of information? Bombarded by news of ongoings that I no longer know who to feel for? Is it because of my past studies and training? Looking at disasters as useful information for analysis on business undertakings? Is it because I'm not directly involved? Is it because we see so many disasters in movies that end happily? Are we running away from reality? Or do we just not know the severity of reality? It's probably all the above.

I'm pretty sure it's not just me. There are many out there would feel the same way or even more deeply then I.

But think about this. In this world where we can design anything, even our future children, you can design your life in such a way where you are the center of it all. Events outside of that illusionary bubble do not affect it and therefore, all is right with the world. How long until something comes along and bursts that bubble? If never, you're lucky. But one must realize. It's a bubble. It's bound to burst in the end.

One of my lecturers said something that I love so much and think it's really true. (Well, it's something to the effect, anyway.) If people spend more time fixing reality instead of escaping it, things can be like it is in those worlds they escape to.

I am desensitized. I admit it. Are you desensitized? Why?

May 21, 2006
Overwhelming - Drabble

Overwhelming,
Constant craving
Blindly lashing out

You think you know me
Try to control me
Your failure is to come

Cos I know what you don't know
With your words try to destroy me
Condescending looks you send my way

Cos I know what you don't
Hold on to what I am
Soon I'll make my stand

Overwhelming,
Constant craving
You seek to find yourself

I know you love me
But you'll destroy me
your dreams are not my own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 20, 2006
Abyss - Drabble

I'm falling deeper and deeper,
And You, You're my abyss.
Screaming louder and louder,
But still I can't hear.
Hope. I want to know if you love me
but I... I just can't tell.
So please let me know.
Give me a reason to go on.
I will do whatever it takes to find you.

(Weird - Must refine)

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May 19, 2006
Hidden Agenda - Drabble

We fall unforgiven, yet done no wrong.
We're all that we are but not for long
With hidden agenda, pretend you'd forgotten.
How many years till you know the difference

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 18, 2006
Unforgiven - Drabble

I, I can't take it anymore.
And I, I won't fake it no no more
You say that you love me
but that's a lie.

Good day, Good bye and I wish you well.
Cos every day that I see you
Is another day that I'll hate you.
And I don't want this feeling to take me away...

So won't, won't you let me walk away.
Forgive and forget me and I'll do the same.
I cared and loved you and I still do.
But you do not love me and don't you lie.

Cos every day that I see you
Is another day that I'll hate you.
And I don't want this feeling to take me away...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 17, 2006
Graceless - Drabble

You say it's a mystery
Face the facts it isn't that.
You never knew any tact or grace
I wonder what I saw in you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 16, 2006
Dance - Drabble

On dance floor tonight
I've set my sights on you
Can you show me your moves
Are you class or you trash
So far I like what I see
Your flow is oh so smooth
I guess it's time for me
To show you what I've got.

Hit that note, Dance to the beat
Spin round once and follow my lead
So step right up and dance real close
Show me what you've tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 15, 2006
Inevitable Separation - Drabble

Don't say goodbye,
It feels like I'm gonna cry
Don't say the word,
In silence it can be heard
Your kiss still lingers on my lips
The ghost of your touch on my hips

Goodbye forever
I still wish never
Talk to your photograph
Sometimes it makes me laugh
I'll wait with patience for the day
Till we meet in heaven

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 13, 2006
Step by step - drabble

I've thrown that load of my back
I'm fighting this step by step
Cleaned the mess you'd left behind
Nearly broke but now I'm fine
Since I found my way from there
I realized that I've learnt to care

You fell for the wind
you fell for the sun
You fell and found you couldn't run
Beautiful, deadly, poison ivy
You give her one glance
So she can weave her spell

The world is a stage and all is a game
Isn't that what you said?
You fell in love with a fairy tale
Your eyes, they saw no lies
We know you'll destroy yourself again
but isn't that your plan.

Hide your face behind a mask
For every day's a new Masquerade
Games that they play and games that they lose
To the left, to the right. It ain't no surprise
You'll lose yourself to me again
Ask yourself if that's what you want

I don't want you to buy me a drink
I don't want your kiss or anything
Hands off now, I came to dance
Didn't you hear, it's your last chance

Look but that is all you can do
Don't you know the meaning of no
Maybe you have to go back to school
Even then, you'd still be a fool

Seems like you have no ears to hear
How can I make this all that clear
Other guys think it's easy to see
For one last time, get your hands off me.

If I dance with anyone here
It won't be you, of that I am sure
I don't care if you are a king
It ain't me that you're impressing

(For that irritating guy last weekend.)

Nobody saw - Drabble

Don't want to be in the cold
For the dance is in my soul
Follow me to the end of oblivion
I'll bring the world into absolution
Sing of angels, sing of sinners
I'm a sinner but does that matter
I'm your angel and I'll take control
So give it up cos I'm on a roll

Put your hands out to reach out for me
You know that I could bring you to your knees
Feel free to cry so I can comfort you
But don't tie me down to you
I'm am one of the other world
Yet for just your charms I fold
But we know you are one I can't have
So on the dance floor I'll satisfy this crave
---
Because here is somewhere I couldn't be - Chorus Drabble

There's no mistaking this
What once was is gone
I'm not afraid to miss
Fight for what I want
I'll run away from here
To be on my own
I cannot live in fear
But you've always known.
---
Living for the dead - Drabble

No more crying in the dark
I'll be trying to make my mark
Flying high above my dream
In the name of my old team

Sorry guys, I lost my mind
Nearly lost myself this time
Forgot that I'm the only one
To live for you I cannot run

In memory of the good old days
For those we lost in different ways
We'll build a world where we can see
All that we will want and need

All the anger inside ain't a part of my life
We've got to walk forward forget all the strife
This strange hold on me has got to let go
But I honestly say I still can't say no.

Time for me to look ahead and be myself again
No more running away, away from the plan
Somehow, someway, gotta go with the flow
I tell myself something that I already know.

If I can't find my way
That what am I to say
There's emptiness that lives inside
Telling me to give up the fight.

To long a time has gone
I've long forgot what's done
This game that I play
I play to stay the same.

I've walked this long, lone path.
So many years have past
To follow me would make you the same
So lose yourself to win this game

How many times will you let me down
While you follow the crowd into no man's land
Listen to the beat of your heart
Swallow your pride and do what is right

Will you open the doors into new worlds
Or will you fight for the right to just stand your ground.
Find yourself before you lose your own mind
Don't let this life divert you from you path.

While I watch you self-destruct as I live
I wish that I could help but no I can't do
Anything to help anyone
Sorry but I moved on.

Fallen angel, Jaded princess
Fortune holds a knife over your head
You've got everything that you want
but do you know just what you want

My tears are falling somewhere you can't see
This hopeless feeling is engulfing me.
Can you save me from myself
Wake me from this dream
Help me find a reason to live

Forfeit the right to the ovation
Lose yourself to the sensation
Fall to the floor and let's pretend
We heard nothing to not offend

Guess this to you will make no sense
Well I say nothing to my defence
Offset your mind to see my stand
Never asked of you to be my fan

You say you see yourself in me,
That's the illusion that you wanted to see.
The lonely, surrounded by many
or The loner, shunning humanity

You see with sightless eyes.
Seeking answers within lies.
The answers sit under your nose
You can run but you'll never know

Immaculate disasters of sanity
the label that makes me you
For the sake of formality
You assume you'll save me too.

(Completed. Complete under Friends only)

Silent footsteps, quiet gaze.
why am I here in the first place.
Isn't like we're getting close
to the answers I need the most

Paper cuts and water burns
Falling leaves to red will turn
Feel the sound of innocence
break the barrier of deliverance

Sometimes I look you in the face
Still and silent in one place
Yet you follow me inside
Memories of a different time

You try to destroy me so you can rebuild me
Memories of the past drive you.
You know nothing for you see only your selfish desires
I'm no angel.
My selfish heart grins in satisfaction as I see your tears falling for a broken
dream.
You tried to break me and now you're broken.
I wonder why I cry while I smile.

I just want to fade away,
All I see of life is a vision of grey.
Give me back myself and let me be again
All my tears fall like torrents of black despair.

You remember my name but do you know what I am?
You sing like you know but you sing about you.
All I have is time. Far too much time.
I search for the silence that will come for you.

Left outside because I live.
Once inside because I guard.
Now hiding because of you.
Give me back what once was me.

I've walked through time untouched and unfelt.
The silence of my foot steps were not one of want
Know that I live because I still seek
My mission complete and I'll have eternal sleep

You Are The Hanging Man

You represent the seeking of enlightenment and spiritual clarity. You tend to confuse others, but your oddities seem deeply satisfying. Self sacrifice is easy for you, especially if it makes you a better person in the end. You are the type of person who is very in touch with your soul and inner spirit. Your fortune: Right now is a good time for reflection and meditation. You should stop resisting the problems in your life, and let yourself be vulnerable to them. You may need to sacrifice something important to you to move ahead in your life. Accept your destiny with courage, and learn to let go of what you think you need.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Are The Chariot

You represent a difficult battle, and a well-deserved victory. You tend to struggle to get what you want, both internally and externally. You excel at controlling opposing forces, getting down the same path. In the end, you bring glory and success - using pure will to move forward. Your fortune: There is great conflict in your life right now, either with yourself or others. You must find a solution to this conflict, which is likely to be a "middle road" between the two forces. You posses the skills to triumph over these struggles, as long as your will is strong. You are transforming your inner self, building a better foundation for future successes.

Why are they different? I used the 2 names that people know me most commonly by

"A lot has been said about how to prevent rape. Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all.

Instead of that bullshit, how about:

If a woman is drunk, don't rape her. If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her. If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her. If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her. If a woman is jogging in a park at 5AM, don't rape her. If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her. If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her. If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her. If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her. If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her. If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her. If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her. If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her. If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her. If your step-daughter is watching TV, don't rape her.

If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her. If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend. If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police. If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and report him as a rapist.

Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, and sons of friends that it's not okay to rape someone.

Don't just tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape. Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x, y, or z. Don't imply that it's in any way her fault. Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl. Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can too help yourself.

If you agree, repost it. It's important."

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

Currently extremely unstable.

I got 'yelled' at for trying to make my blog friends only... Someone says she can't check on me to see if I haven't killed myself. Right... To which I say, sign up for your own account and know. To which she replies, lazy... So here's the compromise. Sometimes I post public. And it will always be a quiz. Enjoy.

( quizzes )

In light of recent developements, I feel it's more necessary then ever for my online persona and my personal life to separate. The less that's known of me the better. Those that already know both, I hope you don't let me down. Those that know me personally, please. If online, don't use my name anymore, use my alias. It will be inevitable that some of my close friends will be unable to see my personal entries unless they are members of this blog... But I'm going to switch to a friends only mode in this livejournal.

WTF... I just tried to log on to blogspot and found out by logging in with the wrong user name that I had an old account created in 2004 March...